nyctophilia.
cambridge dictionary: (n) the condition of being very happy and comfortable in the dark.
it’s arguably not a proper word, but it works for my rhetoric, okay?
i’ve always been a night person. and there isn’t much depth to it. i wouldn’t say that perhaps the moon and i are in love; i wouldn’t say that i stay up in the darkness conversing with artemis… i simply believe that night is more than a phase to endure until dawn.
i also think i have an aversion to sleep. scheduled sleep, that is. because when you plan to sleep, that requires you to lie in bed and sit with your own thoughts. and because you’re trying to doze off, you don’t really get to process them, they just stir.
keep a journal, you may say. to that i answer, i keep three.
take a sleep aid, you may say. but i don’t want to. i don’t know why… i think it’s a combination of not wanting to turn my brain off and not wanting to miss the nighttime. because the hours between midnight and 5am are when it’s acceptable to just exist. it’s okay that you haven’t completed three tasks in that time; that’s not what the night is for.
late night is when i get to do stupid mindless things. i reformat my resume for the sixteenth time, i make tiny drawings of my favorite people, i compose music to my heart’s content. i don’t feel the same pressure i do during the day to do something that serves a direct purpose, whether that be to make money or get good grades or lose weight.
this brings us to pascal’s diversion.
“all the unhappiness of men arises from one single fact, that they cannot stay quietly in their own chamber.”
such a blessing and a curse is the human condition; we always have to be doing something. and amid the quarantine, i’ve found myself and others facing this cognitive dissonance of adjusting to isolation and still needing to maximize how much work we get done. years ago, i saw an embroidery that said “your value is not based on your productivity” and i still grapple with whether or not i agree. like… i do. people are worth more than the content they yield. but does that make me seem lazy?
i’m sure this is evident but this entry is being written at 2am. and it’s a stream of consciousness. because at night, that’s when the mind starts really churning. pascal knows this.
“if [a king] be without diversion, and be left to consider and reflect on what he is, this feeble happiness will not sustain him.”
perhaps that’s why i stay up. my thoughts race come 11pm and maybe i want to capitalize on my increased brain activity. i just finished a 5 minute orchestral piece tentatively called ‘symphonie corona’ which has been almost entirely composed at night. during the day… head empty. no thoughts.
i did also find out extremely recently that i have some considerable attention deficit. i really just thought either my brain sucked (for lack of a better word) or everyone’s mind operated like this and i just never learned to manage it. it’s rough to get to the end of high school, having struggled endlessly with focus, to realize that all along you had an untreated issue.
how does this relate to what i was talking about?
“however happy a man may be, he will soon be discontented and wretched, if he be not diverted and occupied by some passion or pursuit which prevents weariness from overcoming him.”
keep my brain busy!
i thrive in solitude. i’m a massive introvert. just about all of my free time is spent in my room alone. BUT as i’ve gotten older and accumulated things to worry about, i need to keep myself occupied all the time. sometimes i’ll be listening to music and instinctively feel the need to put on some background music.
is this the A.D.H.D. talking? or just the incessant existential dread?
it’s hard to say for sure.
“how hollow and full of ribaldry is the heart of man!”